It's been one of those days.
One of those days where you run the marathon, fight the good fight and still lose.
And then I got home. Then I saw my front door, my puppy and my little house. I love it.
On our walk I realized something- I'm too blessed for this. I'm too blessed to stay stressed out. We walked outside and felt the sun. Deep breath. We're not in control.
Earlier today, my Momma emailed me this:
You know freaking out before you need to. And if you don't get it, that just means that God has a different plan. And he is much better at figuring out what we need then we are. Thank goodness for that. You need to settle down, and "get your head right".
I've been stressed out about an interview I have Friday. When I was a sophomore, a girl told me that I would never get this internship and that I should "aim lower." So, the application, the interview, the whole thing has been hanging over my head for more than two years now. Can I do it? Am I talented enough? Maybe. But momma reminded me today that I'm really not in control. If I get it, I'll be thrilled. I'm a hard worker, I'm qualified, and I'd be a good intern. If I don't get it, then God has other plans and His plans will always be greater than mine. How nice.
I live the clean life, and from here on out, it's going to be cleaner. I don't swear. I'm a good girl. I watch the way I act around guys. Right now the only thing on my mind is being a good, ethical journalist. In all that you do, do it for the glory of God. Right?
The interview will come and go this Friday. I may get the internship- I hope so much that I do. But, if I don't, I'll keep working. I'll keep giving everything my all.
It's comforting, don't you think? To know that working hard and living simply won't go to waste.
I'm loving the song "Wonderful, Merciful Savior" right now.
-jg
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
If I just breathe, every little thing you'll see, everything is all right.
I wonder how long this will last. These insane panic attacks that are brought on by the mix of excitement for the future and fear that I haven't prepared enough. I'm ready to graduate. I'm ready to move to another city and start over. I'm ready emotionally, but in the back of my mind I can't help but to wonder if I shouldn't have gotten one more internship or studied a little bit harder. I compulsively edit my resume. Every time I learn a new skill, I update it immediately. I'm addicted to job search web sites. I have a secret fund reserved just for a new house. I have a list of cities I want to move to:
1. Nashville
2. Birmingham
3. Atlanta
4. Dallas
5. Charleston
6. Richmond
It reminds me of waiting to see what college I would get into. I had the grades, but there was still that anticipation in not knowing. I don't know if I'll get a job. Three years of preparation might have not been enough. After all, isn't that what we're all afraid of-not being good enough?
My mission trips are listed at the bottom of my resume with my community service and languages spoken. I hope people look at those.
So, in this unbelievably confusing and exciting time, I'm running on pure adrenaline. I've forgotten what it's like to sleep without worrying. I've forgotten what it's like to stop. To just stop and be still and know that He's here. I promised that I wouldn't stop while I was in college. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Right? The more I think about it though, the more I realize that that's not true. The Lord helps those who love Him. I wonder if everyone is going through this. Are they all panicked? Probably.
I told someone tonight that I was going to do something stupid soon. It's true. I'm going to hit the wall and lock myself out of my apartment or lock my keys in my car or crash or something. It's unavoidable.
God is good.
-jg
1. Nashville
2. Birmingham
3. Atlanta
4. Dallas
5. Charleston
6. Richmond
It reminds me of waiting to see what college I would get into. I had the grades, but there was still that anticipation in not knowing. I don't know if I'll get a job. Three years of preparation might have not been enough. After all, isn't that what we're all afraid of-not being good enough?
My mission trips are listed at the bottom of my resume with my community service and languages spoken. I hope people look at those.
So, in this unbelievably confusing and exciting time, I'm running on pure adrenaline. I've forgotten what it's like to sleep without worrying. I've forgotten what it's like to stop. To just stop and be still and know that He's here. I promised that I wouldn't stop while I was in college. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Right? The more I think about it though, the more I realize that that's not true. The Lord helps those who love Him. I wonder if everyone is going through this. Are they all panicked? Probably.
I told someone tonight that I was going to do something stupid soon. It's true. I'm going to hit the wall and lock myself out of my apartment or lock my keys in my car or crash or something. It's unavoidable.
God is good.
-jg
Friday, August 14, 2009
People are crazy.
It's just me and Daisy tonight.
I had to choose to go drinking or to go home. I picked home. I'm 21 and I don't think that drinking in moderation is bad, but drunkenness is a sin. No question about it. As I was leaving, I just kept telling myself, "That's not where a Christian writer needs to be." And as I walked to my car, I got more and more mad that I had chosen a profession that didn't allow me to be in situations like that. I can't be. I'll lose credibility as a writer. I'll have unending doubt as I tell young girls to not date disrespectful boys when I'll tolerate it all the time on the basis that, "it's not really them because they're drunk."
Tonight it's just me and Daisy. I'm going to read a book about football to get ready for my new internship and get scared by Criminal Minds. It'll be worth it one day...you just wait and see.
-jg
I had to choose to go drinking or to go home. I picked home. I'm 21 and I don't think that drinking in moderation is bad, but drunkenness is a sin. No question about it. As I was leaving, I just kept telling myself, "That's not where a Christian writer needs to be." And as I walked to my car, I got more and more mad that I had chosen a profession that didn't allow me to be in situations like that. I can't be. I'll lose credibility as a writer. I'll have unending doubt as I tell young girls to not date disrespectful boys when I'll tolerate it all the time on the basis that, "it's not really them because they're drunk."
Tonight it's just me and Daisy. I'm going to read a book about football to get ready for my new internship and get scared by Criminal Minds. It'll be worth it one day...you just wait and see.
-jg
Monday, August 10, 2009
Lily among thorns.
It’s rare that I find a book I agree with. To date, I’ve never found a book about Christian women that I agree with…until now. I just finished Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy and while I don’t agree with everything, I do love some parts of this book.
Here are some of my favorite quotations from the book:
“Set-Apart femininity blends the classic womanly grace and dignity of Audrey Hepburn with the sacrificial, poured-out-for-Christ lifestyle of Amy Carmichael.”
“The preoccupations of young women don’t seem to change much from generation to generation. But in every generation, there seem to be a few who make other choices.” –Elisabeth Elliot. (If you know me well at all, you know I absolutely love Elisabeth Elliot).
“But we must ask ourselves this question-what kind of guys are we seeking to attract? Do we really want to win the heart of a self-focused man who is only interested in our worldly allure and sex appeal? Or do we want to win the heart of a man who has been captured by Jesus Christ, a guy who sees the priceless value of a woman who shines with His spectacular radiant loveliness?”
“If you desire a beautiful, lasting, God-written love story, hold out for a guy who values the things that your heavenly Prince values.”
On college campuses across this country, it is regarded as ‘healthy’ for a young woman to be able to completely shut off her emotions and have mindless sex with any random guy she meets, not caring at all if he ever calls her again. But once upon a time, feminine dignity was carefully protected. Womanly mystery was held in high esteem. And gallant men counted it a privilege to tenderly win and woo their lady-love’s heart.”
“Too many young women are afraid to rise up with confidence and walk firmly in their commitments. The nurturing, caring side of them doesn’t like hurting people’s feelings, so they end up leaving a door open for a guy when it should be nicely but firmly shut in his face.”
“As a single woman, rather than putting life on hold until you get married, orient your life around joyfully serving others. As you practice becoming the servant of all, serving your husband will come naturally in marriage, and you will gain greater blessings than you could ever imagine.”
“If you pour out yourself for the hungry and satisfy the desires of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom shall be as the noonday. Here, I think, lies the answer to the barrenness of a single life, or of a life that might otherwise be selfish or lonely. It is the answer, I have found, to depression as well. You yourself will be given light in exchange for pouring yourself out, you yourself will get guidance, the satisfaction of your longings, and strength when you pour yourself out when you make the satisfaction of somebody else’s desire your own concern.” –Elisabeth Elliot.
“The world is absolutely flooded with those who are destitute of daily food and clothes. About 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, according to the United Nations. That’s one person every three and a half seconds. In Latin America and Africa, countless children are addicted to inhalants as a means of deadening their senses to their bodies’ desperate cries for food. In Liberia thousands of pregnant women and young children pound rocks all day long on the side of a mountain and in the hot sun just to get one bowl of watery rise. These people have a claim on your life. They have a claim on my life. They are a priority to Christ and therefore must become a priority to us. If we are so preoccupied with self that we will not show the practical, life-changing, hope-giving love of Christ to them, our faith is dead.”
Other parts of this book dealt with matters such as “being a lily among thorns,” waiting for the boy to initiate a relationship and maintaining your feminine mystique.
Given, it didn’t really teach me anything new, but I loved so much to hear someone else say what I’ve been thinking for so long now. It was like calling an old friend to hear her say, “You’re right.” But, you know, in the end, I guess that’s all I want. I want to get to heaven and have Jesus say, “you were right.”
Here are some of my favorite quotations from the book:
“Set-Apart femininity blends the classic womanly grace and dignity of Audrey Hepburn with the sacrificial, poured-out-for-Christ lifestyle of Amy Carmichael.”
“The preoccupations of young women don’t seem to change much from generation to generation. But in every generation, there seem to be a few who make other choices.” –Elisabeth Elliot. (If you know me well at all, you know I absolutely love Elisabeth Elliot).
“But we must ask ourselves this question-what kind of guys are we seeking to attract? Do we really want to win the heart of a self-focused man who is only interested in our worldly allure and sex appeal? Or do we want to win the heart of a man who has been captured by Jesus Christ, a guy who sees the priceless value of a woman who shines with His spectacular radiant loveliness?”
“If you desire a beautiful, lasting, God-written love story, hold out for a guy who values the things that your heavenly Prince values.”
On college campuses across this country, it is regarded as ‘healthy’ for a young woman to be able to completely shut off her emotions and have mindless sex with any random guy she meets, not caring at all if he ever calls her again. But once upon a time, feminine dignity was carefully protected. Womanly mystery was held in high esteem. And gallant men counted it a privilege to tenderly win and woo their lady-love’s heart.”
“Too many young women are afraid to rise up with confidence and walk firmly in their commitments. The nurturing, caring side of them doesn’t like hurting people’s feelings, so they end up leaving a door open for a guy when it should be nicely but firmly shut in his face.”
“As a single woman, rather than putting life on hold until you get married, orient your life around joyfully serving others. As you practice becoming the servant of all, serving your husband will come naturally in marriage, and you will gain greater blessings than you could ever imagine.”
“If you pour out yourself for the hungry and satisfy the desires of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom shall be as the noonday. Here, I think, lies the answer to the barrenness of a single life, or of a life that might otherwise be selfish or lonely. It is the answer, I have found, to depression as well. You yourself will be given light in exchange for pouring yourself out, you yourself will get guidance, the satisfaction of your longings, and strength when you pour yourself out when you make the satisfaction of somebody else’s desire your own concern.” –Elisabeth Elliot.
“The world is absolutely flooded with those who are destitute of daily food and clothes. About 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, according to the United Nations. That’s one person every three and a half seconds. In Latin America and Africa, countless children are addicted to inhalants as a means of deadening their senses to their bodies’ desperate cries for food. In Liberia thousands of pregnant women and young children pound rocks all day long on the side of a mountain and in the hot sun just to get one bowl of watery rise. These people have a claim on your life. They have a claim on my life. They are a priority to Christ and therefore must become a priority to us. If we are so preoccupied with self that we will not show the practical, life-changing, hope-giving love of Christ to them, our faith is dead.”
Other parts of this book dealt with matters such as “being a lily among thorns,” waiting for the boy to initiate a relationship and maintaining your feminine mystique.
Given, it didn’t really teach me anything new, but I loved so much to hear someone else say what I’ve been thinking for so long now. It was like calling an old friend to hear her say, “You’re right.” But, you know, in the end, I guess that’s all I want. I want to get to heaven and have Jesus say, “you were right.”
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Wholesome
Sometimes I get obsessed with an idea. Not like girls are "obsessed" with the Jonas Brothers, but like really obsessed. I think about it all the time. I want to know everything about this idea. My previous obsession was the phrase "no turning back, no turning back" from the song "I have decided to follow Jesus." These days the obsession is just one word, one single concept that I have decided is something I want to have: wholesomeness.
I had to figure out what it meant to be wholesome before I could be a girl that was known for wholesomeness.
Webster's said:
Wholesome–adjective
OK, I can work with that. I think Webster leaves out that to be wholesome, you have to be God-fearing. I think that it extends beyond well-being and into the ability to empathize and sympathize with all kinds of different people.
My grandmother is one of the most wholesome people I know and where I began to think that wholesomeness meant being able to put yourself in others' positions. When I talk to her, it's like she's a really wise college student. When my mom talks to her, it's like she's a mother of a 21 year old in 2009. It's amazing. Wholesome.
Another thing I think wholesomeness includes is strength. How can you be beneficial if you're falling apart? D.H. Lawrence once wrote, "We've go to live no matter how many skies have fallen."
In Panama, or actually any Hispanic country, there are these women. They're older, grandmothers probably, but they cook for you. When you go to them, they feed you. They feed you so much food that you're probably dying by the end of dinner. They cook over an open flame and get so hot that you have to feel bad. You didn't ask for dinner- they insisted that you sit and stay and eat. Then you look in their eyes and see pure joy. It's crazy to think that feeding strangers can give people joy, but these women are so happy to serve you. Wholesome.
I liked that the definition said "wholesome environment." It's easy in college to start stuff. Call an ex boyfriend, start drama. It's fun when you're bored. I think part of being wholesome (and mature for that matter) is being a peacemaker.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God." Matthew 5:9
My daddy is a peacemaker. No matter who I have a problem with and who I have shot my mouth off to, Daddy can always fix it. Sometimes I let my 21 year old redheaded temper get in the way. Then, I need Daddy. Wholesome.
This doesn't solve my problem. Having a definition does not mean I will automatically inherit all these traits tonight. It does, however, give me something to work for. After all, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back...no turning back.
I had to figure out what it meant to be wholesome before I could be a girl that was known for wholesomeness.
Webster's said:
Wholesome–adjective
| 1. | conducive to moral or general well-being; salutary; beneficial: wholesome recreation; wholesome environment. |
OK, I can work with that. I think Webster leaves out that to be wholesome, you have to be God-fearing. I think that it extends beyond well-being and into the ability to empathize and sympathize with all kinds of different people.
My grandmother is one of the most wholesome people I know and where I began to think that wholesomeness meant being able to put yourself in others' positions. When I talk to her, it's like she's a really wise college student. When my mom talks to her, it's like she's a mother of a 21 year old in 2009. It's amazing. Wholesome.
Another thing I think wholesomeness includes is strength. How can you be beneficial if you're falling apart? D.H. Lawrence once wrote, "We've go to live no matter how many skies have fallen."
In Panama, or actually any Hispanic country, there are these women. They're older, grandmothers probably, but they cook for you. When you go to them, they feed you. They feed you so much food that you're probably dying by the end of dinner. They cook over an open flame and get so hot that you have to feel bad. You didn't ask for dinner- they insisted that you sit and stay and eat. Then you look in their eyes and see pure joy. It's crazy to think that feeding strangers can give people joy, but these women are so happy to serve you. Wholesome.
I liked that the definition said "wholesome environment." It's easy in college to start stuff. Call an ex boyfriend, start drama. It's fun when you're bored. I think part of being wholesome (and mature for that matter) is being a peacemaker.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God." Matthew 5:9
My daddy is a peacemaker. No matter who I have a problem with and who I have shot my mouth off to, Daddy can always fix it. Sometimes I let my 21 year old redheaded temper get in the way. Then, I need Daddy. Wholesome.
This doesn't solve my problem. Having a definition does not mean I will automatically inherit all these traits tonight. It does, however, give me something to work for. After all, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back...no turning back.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Bad news.
I was going to write a post about bad news. It's been a particularly horrible week in the news. The headlines are grim. Our President isn't doing our country justice. Babies are dying of rat bites and 14 year olds are getting accused with rape.
Then I saw this.
It's Lilly. She has 5 legs. Her 5th leg has 6 toes. Until now, she hasn't been able to lay down, walk or sit comfortably. She was owned by a freak-show.
Someone paid $4,000 for Lilly and another $2,000 for her surgery. Lilly is expected to live a long, healthy life.
Are you heart-warmed yet? Because you should be.
If Lilly can make it, then so can we.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Speak the truth but ride a fast horse.
I just finished reading What I Know Now, a compilation of letters written by famous women to their younger self. One of them said "Speak the truth but ride a fast horse," and I just loved that.
So it makes me wonder- what would I tell myself? I'm only 21, so I'm far from being wise.
Here goes:
I'd tell my 4 year old self not to call the call the "Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again" woman "That d*** lady" to my mom. That spanking hurt. You'll remember it 17 years from now.
When you're 5 and Daddy has to take you out of church for talking, don't come back in and tell mom "Daddy told me to tell you he spanked me" when he really took you across the street and bought you candy.
Learn math in first grade. You'll be behind until high school if you don't.
In 2nd grade, keep being nice to that mentally handicapped kid. This will be the first of many, many times you pull for the underdog. Just don't get too attached. You're going to be heartbroken for the rest of your life because you can't save people.
Oh, and also about 2nd grade-throw those dresses away. The red, yellow and blue ones? Yea. Those. Throw them away. You'll end up wearing them in every single picture for almost a year.
Amber Tucker doesn't beat you up at Space Camp, so stop worrying.
Be more outgoing in middle school. Be nice to the nerdy kids. Be nice to the freaks. You're not mean, but your not nice to them either. Keeya will make more money than you ever dreamed of. Be nice to the kid with one hand that likes you.
In 8th grade you'll have a teacher that threatens to fail you because you won't argue pro-choice in a classroom debate. You don't argue it and you make your first B ever. Good call. She wasn't very nice.
On those 3 mission trips to Houston- love every minute. This is the beginning of a lifetime of mission trips. Take a second when you're holding Mireya, the 3 year old little Mexican girl, to memorize the way it feels. It's about 110 degrees and you're on a bus without air conditioning. She has fallen asleep in your lap. It's the exact moment that you fall in love with little Hispanic babies. That mission trip high never leaves you.
Listen to Kari more. She's right about people. You're too infatuated to see it, so just listen to her.
Be a good role model for the girls at dance. You looked up to them, so make sure you're someone they can look up to.
The years you danced with LS will be the best ones of your life. Work harder and appreciate your teachers more. They'll teach you some of the best lessons that you'll take with you the rest of your life. They'll give you your work ethic and good posture.
Listen to the kid that sits in front of you in homeroom more. He turns out to be a really neat person. To date he's still the only person who can recite almost any Edgar Allen Poe poem.
When that guy dumps you for being a good girl and immediately goes out with another not-so-good girl DO NOT tell the whole school that was the reason. Yes, it's true. That is why he picked her over you. He told you that, but it's going to be classier if you just keep that to yourself.
Pay more attention in AP Econ. And bring a jacket, dummy, that classroom was freezing!
Remember that time you and Kari got stuck in a tornado and decided to drive through the storm to get to a show you had to do that night? Yea. Don't do that. It was dangerous!
Enjoy ever minute you're on stage. Even after you think you're too mature to dance around in sparkles, you'll miss the days of entertaining everyone.
Get to know the Mayfair girls better.
Enjoy the City of Children more. You end up frustrated because you can't understand the orphans because they speak Spanish, but don't give up. Hug them and love them like that's all that matters. You're there as a missionary, so stop acting like a child. You don't think they need you--and they kinda don't. So, take it in. Use this time to realize that these kids aren't wanted by anyone and realize how blessed you are to have 2 loving parents that are still married. Besides, this is when you decide to learn Spanish. That will help you a little later in Panama.
Don't regret going to UAH. You learned you didn't want to be a nurse there. You also learned you didn't want to get married in college there. Don't regret hanging out with those guys, either. They kept you entertained and made you think a lot. Also, this is when you first discover A.W. Tozer, David Jeremiah, Max Lucado, Elisabeth and Jim Elliot, and Watchman Nee. Each one of these writers will change the way you look at things and bring you a little closer to the Father. Remember that time you decided to go to the projects and give out money to the homeless by yourself? Yea. Don't do that. It was dangerous..and stupid.
Be careful during your first semester at UA. You're too skinny. Everyone keeps saying it's because your homesick, but don't listen to them. They'll find the fibromyaligia later and know that homesickness had nothing to do with it.
Use the Pensacola mission trip to get to know your brothers and sisters in Christ. It's a good opportunity, so don't miss out.
Your snap decision to go to the Darien Rainforest will be the best you've made so far. This trip will change your life. You'll see Indians that have never seen white people. You'll hold babies that won't make it through the night. One day while you're down there, you hold a little baby for 11 hours. You wash her face off because she produces too much glucose and the bees are attracted to the sweet smell of her skin. You'll never see her again because she dies that night. But, even while you're holding her, you know that was going to happen. This is what God looks like. Don't forget it.
Have more guts during your time at the Crimson White. You have ethical questions about some of the things they do. Stand up for it. You almost quit when they print g-d in the newspaper. I still can't make a judgment call about that one. You'll learn so much there, but you should have said something about that.
Still, be nice to the weird kids in college. Especially that girl in your JN 100, 311 and 415 classes. She doesn't live to see graduation.
Have more patience with the second Panama team. They mean well. This is the first time you'll ever get to really use your Spanish, so don't be so scared. The calling was to serve, not to have perfect Spanish grammar.
So, you make it to 21 and 4 months at least. Don't lose sight of what's important. When you first got to college, you made 2 Timothy 4:7 your mantra- I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
I hope I'm wiser at 42.
So it makes me wonder- what would I tell myself? I'm only 21, so I'm far from being wise.
Here goes:
I'd tell my 4 year old self not to call the call the "Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again" woman "That d*** lady" to my mom. That spanking hurt. You'll remember it 17 years from now.
When you're 5 and Daddy has to take you out of church for talking, don't come back in and tell mom "Daddy told me to tell you he spanked me" when he really took you across the street and bought you candy.
Learn math in first grade. You'll be behind until high school if you don't.
In 2nd grade, keep being nice to that mentally handicapped kid. This will be the first of many, many times you pull for the underdog. Just don't get too attached. You're going to be heartbroken for the rest of your life because you can't save people.
Oh, and also about 2nd grade-throw those dresses away. The red, yellow and blue ones? Yea. Those. Throw them away. You'll end up wearing them in every single picture for almost a year.
Amber Tucker doesn't beat you up at Space Camp, so stop worrying.
Be more outgoing in middle school. Be nice to the nerdy kids. Be nice to the freaks. You're not mean, but your not nice to them either. Keeya will make more money than you ever dreamed of. Be nice to the kid with one hand that likes you.
In 8th grade you'll have a teacher that threatens to fail you because you won't argue pro-choice in a classroom debate. You don't argue it and you make your first B ever. Good call. She wasn't very nice.
On those 3 mission trips to Houston- love every minute. This is the beginning of a lifetime of mission trips. Take a second when you're holding Mireya, the 3 year old little Mexican girl, to memorize the way it feels. It's about 110 degrees and you're on a bus without air conditioning. She has fallen asleep in your lap. It's the exact moment that you fall in love with little Hispanic babies. That mission trip high never leaves you.
Listen to Kari more. She's right about people. You're too infatuated to see it, so just listen to her.
Be a good role model for the girls at dance. You looked up to them, so make sure you're someone they can look up to.
The years you danced with LS will be the best ones of your life. Work harder and appreciate your teachers more. They'll teach you some of the best lessons that you'll take with you the rest of your life. They'll give you your work ethic and good posture.
Listen to the kid that sits in front of you in homeroom more. He turns out to be a really neat person. To date he's still the only person who can recite almost any Edgar Allen Poe poem.
When that guy dumps you for being a good girl and immediately goes out with another not-so-good girl DO NOT tell the whole school that was the reason. Yes, it's true. That is why he picked her over you. He told you that, but it's going to be classier if you just keep that to yourself.
Pay more attention in AP Econ. And bring a jacket, dummy, that classroom was freezing!
Remember that time you and Kari got stuck in a tornado and decided to drive through the storm to get to a show you had to do that night? Yea. Don't do that. It was dangerous!
Enjoy ever minute you're on stage. Even after you think you're too mature to dance around in sparkles, you'll miss the days of entertaining everyone.
Get to know the Mayfair girls better.
Enjoy the City of Children more. You end up frustrated because you can't understand the orphans because they speak Spanish, but don't give up. Hug them and love them like that's all that matters. You're there as a missionary, so stop acting like a child. You don't think they need you--and they kinda don't. So, take it in. Use this time to realize that these kids aren't wanted by anyone and realize how blessed you are to have 2 loving parents that are still married. Besides, this is when you decide to learn Spanish. That will help you a little later in Panama.
Don't regret going to UAH. You learned you didn't want to be a nurse there. You also learned you didn't want to get married in college there. Don't regret hanging out with those guys, either. They kept you entertained and made you think a lot. Also, this is when you first discover A.W. Tozer, David Jeremiah, Max Lucado, Elisabeth and Jim Elliot, and Watchman Nee. Each one of these writers will change the way you look at things and bring you a little closer to the Father. Remember that time you decided to go to the projects and give out money to the homeless by yourself? Yea. Don't do that. It was dangerous..and stupid.
Be careful during your first semester at UA. You're too skinny. Everyone keeps saying it's because your homesick, but don't listen to them. They'll find the fibromyaligia later and know that homesickness had nothing to do with it.
Use the Pensacola mission trip to get to know your brothers and sisters in Christ. It's a good opportunity, so don't miss out.
Your snap decision to go to the Darien Rainforest will be the best you've made so far. This trip will change your life. You'll see Indians that have never seen white people. You'll hold babies that won't make it through the night. One day while you're down there, you hold a little baby for 11 hours. You wash her face off because she produces too much glucose and the bees are attracted to the sweet smell of her skin. You'll never see her again because she dies that night. But, even while you're holding her, you know that was going to happen. This is what God looks like. Don't forget it.
Have more guts during your time at the Crimson White. You have ethical questions about some of the things they do. Stand up for it. You almost quit when they print g-d in the newspaper. I still can't make a judgment call about that one. You'll learn so much there, but you should have said something about that.
Still, be nice to the weird kids in college. Especially that girl in your JN 100, 311 and 415 classes. She doesn't live to see graduation.
Have more patience with the second Panama team. They mean well. This is the first time you'll ever get to really use your Spanish, so don't be so scared. The calling was to serve, not to have perfect Spanish grammar.
So, you make it to 21 and 4 months at least. Don't lose sight of what's important. When you first got to college, you made 2 Timothy 4:7 your mantra- I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
I hope I'm wiser at 42.
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