I wonder how long this will last. These insane panic attacks that are brought on by the mix of excitement for the future and fear that I haven't prepared enough. I'm ready to graduate. I'm ready to move to another city and start over. I'm ready emotionally, but in the back of my mind I can't help but to wonder if I shouldn't have gotten one more internship or studied a little bit harder. I compulsively edit my resume. Every time I learn a new skill, I update it immediately. I'm addicted to job search web sites. I have a secret fund reserved just for a new house. I have a list of cities I want to move to:
1. Nashville
2. Birmingham
3. Atlanta
4. Dallas
5. Charleston
6. Richmond
It reminds me of waiting to see what college I would get into. I had the grades, but there was still that anticipation in not knowing. I don't know if I'll get a job. Three years of preparation might have not been enough. After all, isn't that what we're all afraid of-not being good enough?
My mission trips are listed at the bottom of my resume with my community service and languages spoken. I hope people look at those.
So, in this unbelievably confusing and exciting time, I'm running on pure adrenaline. I've forgotten what it's like to sleep without worrying. I've forgotten what it's like to stop. To just stop and be still and know that He's here. I promised that I wouldn't stop while I was in college. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Right? The more I think about it though, the more I realize that that's not true. The Lord helps those who love Him. I wonder if everyone is going through this. Are they all panicked? Probably.
I told someone tonight that I was going to do something stupid soon. It's true. I'm going to hit the wall and lock myself out of my apartment or lock my keys in my car or crash or something. It's unavoidable.
God is good.
-jg
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